Stepping into your fears and choosing action is hard. It's scary. At least for me. But it's even harder to let go of action, when it's necessary, and trust that life will work itself out. When I don't think logically about why I'm acting a certain way or doing something "productive", I end up feeling out of control and throw myself into mindless tasks to distract myself from the real fears. I'm getting ahead of myself a little bit, but stick with me.
Transition has never been easy for me, but I always do it, I always choose action. I made the move to Seattle from Minnesota when I was 18. I took a chance and moved again to the East Coast, where I happened to meet my husband. We decided to move to the same city after falling in love, we got married and moved again to "settle down" in Traverse City, Michigan. We aren't afraid to take chances, make changes and sacrifice comfort in order to live our best life. I do my best to look at long term goals, which is why I'm so passionate about budgeting, having patience with my business and sticking it out through the "junk". When life throws a curveball, I don't handle it too well. When the offer for my dream job was taken back unexpectedly, I was devastated and cried in bed for 3 days (that's a story for another day).
This fall, we were thrown another curveball when we found out we were expecting a baby. It's time for another transition, a big step into parenthood. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. When we found out we were pregnant (like most people I assume) we were shocked, excited, nervous, and a million other things. I didn't even cry (which is unusual). Immediately (as in 20 minutes after I took a pregnancy test) we adjusted- changed our mindset and focus and started loving this baby like crazy. I remember asking Isaiah to just "take a deep breath and stop thinking about the details". Meanwhile, I was mentally re-working our budget, figuring out which room would be the nursery, wondering when I could ever quit my job, worried about never being able to plan weddings full time, questioning if we were too young or too newly married to have a baby, if I was strong enough to be a mom... worry, fear and doubt. I was saying one thing and acting a completely different way.
The next morning I went out and bought a bunch of books and started reading about pregnancy. I made an appointment with the doctor. I drank a green smoothie, I went to the gym and I bought pre-natal vitamins. I budgeted and figured out what it cost to have a baby, I called my insurance company, I bought 5 more pregnancy tests. Essentially- I entered complete spaz out mode. I was 5 weeks pregnant. My body still felt like mine. I was scared to death. Scared of what would happen to our new marriage, scared of loosing the baby, worried about money. I can't even tell you how fast my mind was spinning & swirling. This was a territory that was completely foreign. What I didn't do was stop and breathe, and pray for our son. I didn't pray for our marriage, or for peace. I worried.
One thing I can say for sure is that I am so thankful that a baby takes 9 months to grow. I've needed these months to adjust and prepare my heart, house & mind for raising a child. As you know if you've been following my blog for a while, I've been focusing on preparing for a baby. I've been reading the books, buying the stuff, trying to keep my body healthy, going to the doctor, budgeting, being as responsible and over-prepared as I can be so that when he makes his debut I can focus on loving him with all of my energy. Meanwhile I've been so scared of what motherhood will be like. Will I be a good mom? Can I handle a marriage and a baby? What about work? Is there going to be enough money? Will my business take off? Am I ever going to have any friends? What if he gets sick, or I have postpartum depression, or I can't breastfeed, or this, or that, or whatever? I've been hanging onto my fears while doing all of the "actions" that should be calming and comforting, but they aren't. Something isn't working, something has to change.
Today I'm making the choice to let go, and choose peace. I'm deciding to trust that everything will work out perfectly, because it already has. There isn't enough room in this blog for me to list all of the blessings and love we've been the recipients of lately, specifically in the time we've been married. We are so lucky, with so much ahead of us, and I am choosing to be peaceful. I'm still going to struggle with worrying, but I'm hoping and praying that peace will be an overwhelming presence in my life so I can love my family better. I had a pretty major freak out the other day and wildly explained to Isaiah that if I didn't "worry about and plan for all the scary things, then they would happen". Always the voice of reason, he explained that I could plan and prepare all I wanted, but worrying wasn't necessary. We will be good parents, we love our son. He is healthy, nothing will go wrong. I'm so thankful for a supportive husband and family. Happy weekend, friends! If you read this, thank you. It was good to let it out.